As my life has changed drastically in the last few months, I have been reflecting on my relationships with everything in my life. I have recently ended my marriage and decided to put my dog to rest in the last 2 months. It’s when our lives take a new turn, we reflect on our decisions and how we are living our life. I have been mulling over my previous decisions and why I chose what I chose. I am trying to understand the feelings I had while making those choices. Did I make them with intention? Did I really understand my emotions behind the decision? Did I convince myself it was the right decision but deep down I knew it wasn’t? Did I take the path of least resistance? Was it easier to stay easier to just live on autopilot? Well, the staying and autopilot cost me a lot. A lot of money, a lot of heartache, and a lot of upset relationships. While I learned a good lesson throughout the marriage it was still very costly. Don’t get me wrong I had good times and enjoyed the company of friends and extended family. You must look at the positive things that came out of the relationship as well as the lessons learned. I also need to not be so hard on myself and allow myself to accept the choices I made and realize that it wasn’t all a waste of time or money as I did grow from those choices. At the time I made the choices I thought they were the right ones.  

As things wrap up in this chapter of my life, I am trying to look forward to discovering my true self. To figure out this new person or my deep true self I decided to declutter my life. I started with things around the house that are not being used. Recently the Goodwill, trash company, and the freecycle groups have gotten a lot of stuff and probably are wondering does she have anything left. It is amazing the things we keep around because we think eventually, we will use them or just in case. At first, I was like that and sometimes I still have those feelings. Just today I put a printer in the electronics recycle bin at the local recycling company. As I let go of it, I thought maybe I should have just gotten more ink and used it or maybe I should have donated it to someone. Then I realized we hadn’t used it in almost 8 months, and it was completely outdated to be able to donate it. I placed it in the bin and walked away. If you think about it, I had a relationship with the printer. The definition of relationship is the way in which two or more concepts, objects, or people are connected. So, the printer was no longer holding up its end of the relationship, so it was time to go. It no longer produced nice printouts, yet I gave it electricity, ink, and paper. It’s funny to say that an object was no longer providing what I needed in a relationship but it’s the truth. 

While the relationship makes sense for a printer not so much for a trinket. Well, maybe so I guess the trinket may provide us the comfort of some sort of a source of a memory trigger. However, what do we provide it in return? Maybe we provide it a place to lay, and we keep it pretty. But does the object really provide a memory trigger or sense of comfort or are we just associating the object with those things?  Why do we hold on to things when they no longer provide us with what we are expecting? When you live with less clutter and fewer things there is room for self-awareness. 

What about when people buy a real fancy car, house, clothing, etc. What are those objects really providing them? Besides a ride to work, a roof over their head, and a clothed body. Do we really need to spend so much money to have those things? Does the expensiveness of those things provide more roof or better coverage of your body? Heck, some clothing costs a ton of money and doesn’t even cover half of your body. Do we use the expensiveness as a status symbol?  Look at what I can afford. This real nice house makes me feel better about myself. This reminds me of a conversation I had with a co-worker once. He asked me if you could have any car what would it be? I said I like my car (Honda civic) I don’t think I would want a change. He said if you could have any house what would it be? I said I would like an old small farmhouse. A fixer upper of sorts so I could enjoy the oldness and the renovation. He said I don’t get you. It was about being grateful for what I had already in my life. It was about the renewal of an old house and making it my own with my own work effort. This sounded much better than wishing for stuff that was expensive or possibly unattainable. 

This points out yet another type of relationship. A relationship with our dreams and wants. The dream is fueled by our thoughts and it provides us motivation. Or our dreams could provide us heartache as well. I will never forget when I was going through a hard time once, a yoga instructor told me really what humans struggle with the most is what we think the world should be (i.e., our dreams) and what it really is. At the time I was struggling with the ending of a relationship. I thought we were spending our lives together and that was in my reality. But the reality was this person no longer loved me no longer wanted to be together. My thoughts at the time just wouldn’t leave it alone. Instead of accepting the new reality, I continued to pursue how could I change the person’s mind. This only fueled my dreams negatively. I continued to stay in a reality that couldn’t happen. This caused me to stay stuck and not move forward. Instead, I should have tried to understand the relationship errors and faults and learned from them, and move forward. The question should have been why I am trying to get back something that really wasn’t there. It was only in my thoughts and alter reality. I wasted so much time and energy on something that wasn’t there. So, our relationships with our dreams can be hurtful as much as helpful. So, to be more intentional with these relationships is about getting in touch with your feelings and noticing the reality of the dream. 

The relationship with fear is an interesting topic. I recently had a session with my counselor, and we talked about how I was trying to write a blog. I said I was afraid of actually posting it. She suggested I write a paragraph about my relationship with the fear I have. I am just now thinking obviously there is fear. Fear of judgment on my words. Fear of rejection. Fear of acceptance as well. The question is why do I care what people think of my thoughts. One of my friends said to write the blog for you and if people read it great if not so be it. I guess it comes back to do I allow the fear to control my actions. I guess as long as the intent of posting the blog is a meaningful one then it shouldn’t matter. The intentions are to possibly help others and maybe even help myself by sharing.